Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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