you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
