Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
