I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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