Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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