Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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