When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
