Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
