that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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