The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
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