My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
