you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
