I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
