possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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