Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
