When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I am midnight drunk by noon
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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