I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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