Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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