The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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