I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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