DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
