I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
