Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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