Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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