and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize