I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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