you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
