i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We need to rekindle our bromance
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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