I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
