remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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