My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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