By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
