I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
