I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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