jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
