I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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