Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
