Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
