drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
