Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
