return my video game
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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