I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
People in love make me want to vomit
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
