In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
