We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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