I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
