O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
