That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
