I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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