Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
