just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
