you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize