I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
