You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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