I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
