You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
