Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm both gender and math confused
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
