the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
