see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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