I am midnight drunk by noon
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
