I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
