I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm both gender and math confused
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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