Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
