i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
