I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
