He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize