The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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