I just threw up on my dentist
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
what day is it and did you see me today?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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