When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
