I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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