i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
