I wanna passion pit in your ass
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
