I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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