im so drunk with asians
where?
always
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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