i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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